About Batterers - The Six Stages

The Set-Up
The abuser—for instance, a husband—will create and control situations in which the victim has no choice but to react in a way that will, in his mind, justify the abuse. For example, if he tells himself the reason he hits his wife is that she doesn’t keep the house clean, he will arrange a day for her that is so busy she doesn’t have a chance to clean. If alcohol is part of his rationalization, he may stop for drinks on the way home to the house he knows will be messy.

The Abuse
When the time and the planned circumstances are right, the abuser begins his violence. His attack is a display of power and control over his victim and, by extension, everyone else in the household. Over time, he typically follows an ever-worsening pattern of violence.

Guilt and Fear of Reprisal
After the violence, the abuser may have feelings of “guilt” – not normal guilt, in which he would feel sorry for having hurt another person, but a kind of guilt that is really just a fear of getting caught. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he may think, “because I might get caught.”

Sometimes the abuser may say he’s sorry or try to excuse his behavior by saying for example, that he can’t control his temper or that alcohol or drugs caused him to lose control of himself. He may promise fervently not to do it again. He may use promises and gifts as bribes. The real purpose of these actions is to silence the victim and to protect himself.

Rationalization
The abuser can’t stand any kind of guilt feeling for long so he quickly moves on to the rationalization stage. Here, he tells himself that the one really at fault is the victim; he also tells that to the victim. For example, he will tell his wife, “You shouldn’t have made me mad.” or “You should shut up when I tell you to.” or “How do you expect me to act when you’re so unreasonable?” A perpetrator may say, “She was acting like she wanted it.” or “She asked for it.”

When the abuser blames the victim, he justifies his own behavior and gives himself permission to continue behaving that way. When he rationalizes, he completely ignores any personal responsibility he might have for the abuse. (See the section “In the Mind of the Abuser” to learn about other common rationalizations abusers make.)

Normal Behavior
Between incidents of violence, the abuser often behaves normally or perhaps even especially well. He acts as if nothing has happened.

Typically the victim of domestic violence is forced to participate in the cover-up. Sometimes the abuser threatens the victim’s credibility – “No one will believe you. They’ll think you’re crazy if you tell them. “ Abusers may make subtle threats –“I’d sure hate to have to call Children’s Services and tell them what a lousy parent you are” – or direct threats, such as “I’ll kill you if you tell”. They will manipulate their victims through guilt –“You know I love you. I’m the only one who loves you. You wouldn’t want to hurt me and the children by calling the cops would you?” And, indeed, the period of normal or model behavior tends to throw the victim farther off balance psychologically, making her easier prey for the next outburst. To make matters worse, the victim may actually work up the courage to tell someone about the abuse, only to receive a lukewarm response. All these elements working together help to keep the victim silent and to reinforce the power and control of the abuser.

Fantasy and Planning
Batterers and other abusers fantasize about their past and future abuses. The fantasies feed the abuser’s anger and help move them on to the next step, which is active planning.

To help him plan another attack, the abuser starts to use the excuses he made in the rationalization phase earlier in the cycle. For instance, if he rationalizes his abuse is due to her behavior with other men, this is the time he will decide to take her out dancing. The events at the dance – the set-up – bring on the abuse, and the violent cycle continues.

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